consistency

Well, like many journalers, my consistency in writing new entries leaves a lot to be desired. I have made some notes, telling me about entries that I want to make; and despite them, I have entered precious few new entries based on those notes (or based on anything, for that matter!).

So, here's an entry just for entry's sake. Just to get me going again.

I was thinking about this journaling stuff today. I guess that I haven't ever done it enough, and consistently enough to find catharsis in it. Mostly it looks like a task to me. Something that I don't want to do, but which I know is good for me. I want to get to the point where things on my mind will beg me to type them up here.

I added a convenient link on this browser at work so I can bring up the main journaling page easily. Perhaps that will motivate me to make more entries. If not, I'll just have to come up with something else.

somewhere between "fuck you" and "I don't give a fuck"

With today containing the latest installment of "fuck you, boss" attitude in me, inspired by the boss's latest time-jab, I find myself in an odd, but not unusual, mental state. A good part of me doesn't care one little bit about the time issues that the boss continues to bring up. That same part of me will absolutely not agree with me changing my time management in response to him. It is the same part which cannot sympathize with his legalistic approach to this. That part of me says, "I don't give a fuck."

Yet, I still get frustrated and pissed-off whenever a new scene in this act unfolds. I'm not absolutely sure what about this actually pisses me off. I think that it is mostly that this asshole has this bit of power over me. It's interesting that my work existence here is, for the most part, based on self-motivation by me. A large part of my work is stuff that I think of and then implement. A smaller part is driven by events around the station: a computer that needs help now; a special conference or other video event that needs me to do something to make it happen.

How much of what I do needs Ken's intervention? How much of what I do needs him to assign a task to me? Very little. I'd say that it's on the order of 5% of the tasks that I do. He's not really in a position to know what to tell me to do. He just doesn't know what things are really necessary for me to be involved in; nor does he know what things should be done - what should be invented. Those kind of tasks and that kind of thinking, in my part of this operation, are not things that he really knows much about. And that is self-admitted.

So, since I don't need him in order for my job to get done, I resent this little bit of administrative power that he wields over me, much like a pissed off child will lash out with whatever tools s/he has at her/his disposal when s/he feels powerless and put-upon. Yes, this administrative stuff is his responsibility as my supervisor; and he has the right to choose to rule in this manner. But my response is always the same: resentment and a "fuck off, boss" attitude.

So I find myself between 'fuck you' and 'I don't give a fuck' pretty regularly. I keep reminding myself that I am leaving this job soon; that the boss's complaining will go no further than his office (though it might find its way to my annual review); that this is a wee irritation between the two of us. Even if it does make it to my annual review, there is almost no possibility that it will be read by anyone besides the chain-of-command above me, here; and they'll probably just think about Ken the same thing that I think about him for being so picky.

And yet...

... I still get pissed off about it.

Although, I think I'm getting better. In his office, this morning, when the latest "transaction" came through, I pretty much knew what was coming and didn't feel the least bit of anything besides boredom.

professional

"You're probably more professional than any of us," the boss noted. But then he went on to inform me, once again, of my inadequacies where it comes to working at least eight hours per day. "I really don't want to get to the point of checking up on you," he says. The thing is, he does this already. Regularly. It seems that not a week goes by that he doesn't come into the office in the early afternoon and asks Joe where I am. Joe says that it's clear from the question that he is checking up on my presence. I have no reason to doubt Joe's estimation of the situation.

So I guess he means that he does not want to get the point of having me punch a timeclock.

Oh wait. Timeclock is for hourly people. WTF?

It occurs to me that in my ten years as a full-timer in this department, there was exactly one time issue - with Tony Hockenberry as the complainer - in my first year. And, as far as I know, this was a verbal complaint to Wayne; nothing was put on paper. At the time, Wayne just wanted me to do whatever was necessary to get Tony off of his back - which I did. Everyone knows that Tony likes to raise hell on procedural minutae, so this was really no big deal. Of course, what I'm getting at here is that there were absolutely no complaints about my work - any aspect of it - in all the time I've worked here. It was only after the new boss shows up that there are issues. My work habits have not changed, (with the exception of me feeling a bit more stress where time is concerned, and making some time choices based on that stress) nor has my work quality. There's never been an issue with my work quantity, either.

The only issue is one that is Ken's particular 'bent.' He even acknowledged yesterday that, "probably no one else cares about this stuff." This said after he summarized some attitudes towards time in the organization to which he takes exception. Things like, "I worked thru lunch, so I'm leaving early." He says that these things are happening much too frequently without him being told.

Well, shit. I guess he needs more real work to focus on.

I'm trying to make notes about this stuff so that I have it ready for the day that I turn in my resignation. I feel strongly that I ought to bring some of these issues up to him when that day comes - for the sake of my current co-workers, if for nothing else. So, I want to have this stuff well-documented and enumerated.